So many times, I have asked myself, "how can I start living a full life?". I would then be prompted to make a long list of exactly those points which I thought would serve as a guide to start that journey. Don't you think that this is the obvious first step in that regard? Well, the short answer to that is NO.
I realized that the very first step in obtaining this long-term goal - which is going to require constant tweaking [by the way] - is going to be a process of self-discovery and mindset shifting. One has to know themselves first in order to have a starting point to begin with or else you will end up overwhelmed [like I was]. My research was all over the place! I used the internet to narrow down exactly what it takes to live a full life and consumed so much content that I became flustered, and I had no real 'customized' plan that applied to my own situation. Everything I found online was so general and to be honest I procrastinated due to the sheer amount of work it was taking to formulate a plan that worked for me. Sometimes we lose ourselves as individuals whether you're in a relationship or you become a parent and surprisingly being an adult child to demanding parents.
Self-discovery and mindset shifting:
1. Question: This is the perfect time to ask yourself some really deep questions about YOU. In the process of self/ re-discovery and mindset shifting, you will be bombarded by an array of questions. Don't let that deter you on this path. Rather, use these questions as a steppingstone and take the time to answer each one like you would in a test setting or exam. You will be unlocking some amazing facts about yourself and your desires as you go along. I encourage you to grab a pen and paper, sit with yourself for at least 10 minutes every day, working on these questions. Remember this is a marathon, not a sprint and whatever time stamp you set for yourself is ok - investing in yourself is never time wasted [trust and believe that].
These are the type of questions I have asked myself when I started this journey: [disclaimer - I still revisit these same questions from time to time]
Who am I as a person?
What type of person do I want to become?
What does a person like that look like, behaves, speaks and is known for?
Do I have what it takes to become that person I envision?
What do I want in life?
How do I want to live out the rest of my life?
In what ways could I inspire, assist and motivate others to want a better, fulfilling life for themselves?
Who do I want to surround myself with?
What kind of people should I be around that will hold me accountable and alert me when they notice I am going off track?
Why do I feel like I am not worthy?
What things don't I like?
What are the things that anger me and set me down a path of rage?
Who do I resent, dislike and why?
Why am I still bitter towards certain individuals?
Who do I have to forgive in order to release myself and them so I can heal?
What are the things I do like?
Who am I living for?
What is driving me forward in life?
Who keeps me going?
What are my boundaries?
How much of my time and energy am I willing to give to others?
What poor choices am I making in my life at the moment that is preventing me from living a healthier and happier life?
Who can I confide in?
Who are my role models?
What legacy will I leave behind?
Am I doing enough in life? Could I do more?
Do I have a good support system?
How could I cultivate quality relationships?
How do I communicate with people who disagree with me or do not have the same views as I do? How do I communicate in general?
Am I healthy physically, mentally and spiritually?
Do I like my body?
Is there room for improvement in any area of my life?
If I were to die tomorrow, would I be content with how I have chosen to live my life?
How can I make more money in order to achieve financial freedom?
Am I satisfied with my skills, or could I educate myself / learn more? Something new perhaps?
Do I implement the knowledge I have in my life? Do I take my own advice?
Why do I care so much about the opinions of others?
If I am being honest, who am I inflicting pain on? Who am I neglecting and why?
What are my motivator drivers?
In my opinion, anyone asking themselves these types of questions is gearing up for change, is lacking in certain areas of their lives and is wanting for radical transformation or peace of mind. I only started asking myself the above when a traumatic event had occurred in my life. It is a good idea to begin this first step of asking yourself 'how can I start living a fulfilling life?' when you are ready to commit; dedicate; discipline and hold yourself accountable with the ACTION / WORK that comes with this line of questioning. For me, I was - am and have decided to be ready and stay ready. What about you? If this is where you are at in your life... then good for you! Like anything that is worth it in life, this will be hard and has its own set of challenges and obstacles on the way. Buckle up and continue reading for other steps in this process of self-discovery and mindset shifting.
2. Journal: Keeping a mental log of the day, writing down goals or a mission and jotting down hurdles that blocked my progress is what helped me to get my emotions out and assisted me with detailed planning. If you do not have a book that is fine - however - I found getting my inner feelings out of my mind and seeing it in writing truly created a visual map for me to get going on the things I needed to address in my life and the direction I was going to take in order to achieve the things I wanted in my life. I found it a tool to reflect on my 'personal to do list' especially when you are a busy someone that has to manage so much of other people's lives on a daily. It was a tangible item that represented that I matter too, and I was going to allow myself the opportunity to explore those parts of myself that I ignored and neglected due to time constraints or pure avoidance because I simply put everyone else and everyone else's needs and wants before my own. If journaling in your mobile notes would work better for you then give it a try. You'd be pleasantly surprised to visibly see the revelations as to what could be blocking you from tapping into that fulfilling life you're so desperately craving. You could literally be creating your very own step-by-step guide to the life you've always wanted.
3. Shortlisting: This is the part where you convert and separate your desires into bite-sized portions. You could start with short-term goals and long-term goals. I broke up what I was then going to do into two columns. When you separate your goals this way, you get a clear direction as to where to invest your time; money; resources; energy and focus. You could also view this as a map to guide you as you expand and explore how to start achieving these goals. Try to fit these goals within your daily routine and notice the changes start to unfold in your life. Little by little you will progress gradually. People will ask you the why's and what's, they will give you unsolicited advice and know that you will be judged when you are starting to put yourself first or when you begin to make minor to major transformations in your life. You remain in this thought process. Remember why you started this journey in the first place. Keep in mind where the questions in step one has led you and now you are shaping your life. You are taking control. You are pushing for a seat at the table of your very own life. This work is not for the faint-hearted and might I add, you may feel like you want to quit / give up along the way. Please don't! Do not compromise the life you have always been dreaming of. Do not waste time on things that do not matter or won't put you in a position to become the person you've always wanted to be. Get out of your own way. You can do this! You have got to! Every day I attempt to align my actions towards those specific goals. I spend time doing the following:
I sign up for that course and complete it, no matter what
I check in with the people closest to me to review what I am working on and to give me constructive criticism
I address the things that trigger me in my home front
I have a mental health check in with myself
I focus my attention to whether my next move is going to hinder my growth or build up momentum toward it
I find ways to motivate myself and feed that growth mindset at all costs
I have uncomfortable conversations with the people around me to identify solutions to the challenges we face around a certain issue(s).
I try not to be so hard and critical of myself without compromising my passions and goals
I speak to experts in the field to expand my knowledge in areas that are not my forte
I share specific information with certain individuals in hopes of providing value to them and in doing so in exchange, they point out loopholes I might have missed on my own. This could help minimize risks before you take action on a long-term goal or commitment
I show up for the things that are going to take me to the next level within those goals I have identified
I prioritize those goals and flag the ones that have a time specific deadline
I look for free courses as much as I invest and pay for courses. This requires you to do some research.
I add comments to remind myself of actions I need to take in respect to a goal. You could use sticker notes; highlighters and other creative ways to keep you alerted when you revisit that goal / task.
I created a vision board to give me a visual representation of the things I am going after and want in my life.
I block out any negative person or thought and stay laser focused on my goals because I know I cannot afford to fail myself yet again and again.
Be kinder to yourself as you would others around you.
Be completely honest and don't hold back
4. Pay it forward: The best part of progression / growth / personal development / self-love and a healthy mindset, is imparting what you have learned with a proven track record for success onto the next person. The broken; the down-trodden; the neglected; the lost ones; people who are depressed; the weird and awkward individuals and even the ones that are the loudest - fun - extroverts [you never know what someone is hiding or going through behind closed doors]. Use your own discretion here, you need to gage whether that person is open and ready to receive your message or else your intent to inspire or motivate and educate could backfire. If you are not intending on giving your opinion or speaking regarding your passion projects, then an act of kindness and service will suffice. No one has to know that you've spread your light in that person's life, but they will know, and it will make all the difference. Even if you choose to do something for someone anonymously - how rewarding it would be to make their dreams come true or contribute towards opening a door for them.
You could check out "Back a Buddy". A campaign to help strangers in time of need. This is rewarding and so good for your spirit, the ability to give is a blessing and you never know whose world you could be changing.
I saw this on a show once [I cannot remember which one it was], however, the thing that stuck with me was the small gestures. For example. A man goes into the shop to grab a coffee and pays for another 2x cups for the next customers that either comes in directly after him or for the less fortunate that hang around in the street or neighborhood requesting a 'suspended coffee'.
You could contribute towards a charity or a non-profit organization of your choice
You could donate some clothes and toys
You could visit the old age home or an orphanage
You could help out a friend or relative in need
Treating someone is also a way to show love and support
Allow your imagination to run wild. Whatever you decide to do, please make sure your heart is always in the right place.
5. Routine and balance: Having a set schedule creates structure and order. This will create the balance in your life. You will always be prepared and hands on with regard to all aspects of your life. A routine allows you to have peace of mind and clarity that your tasks are completed and leaves little room for panic and second guessing what is expected of you in your daily life. It can give you an easier, less stressful life, if only you are consistent and disciplined in that regard. Being prepared and holding yourself accountable sets an example for others in your home to follow suite so that there be unity and harmony in the home or workplace. When everyone knows what is expected of them [their tasks; their chores; their responsibilities], it creates and environment whereby there is less confusion and unnecessary conflict. Everyone is working toward a similar goal and vision for the greater good. There will be days where you and those around you that have set routines, do not want to follow them. That is completely ok. You have to know that nothing in life should be perfect however this routine lifestyle keeps you guided and makes life more enjoyable.
A few examples of situations that you might need to practice flexibility:
A sickly or disorderly child
Holidays
An event
Working late
Date nights
Family meetings
Identify the reason for the disruption of a routine in order to be firm:
Unsupportive partner / relatives
Lack of motivation
Disregard for consequences
No ambition
Laziness / procrastination
Making a decision when you're at your peak or lowest point in feelings
Giving too much attention to one thing and ignoring the next
Balance in your life is vital to your existence. Without it your life will seem dissatisfying. When you have balance, your life is more content. You free up space! You will have the freedom to make the right choices for yourself. You are able to encounter more fulfilling experiences and relationships. If you have a good routine that works for you and the right goals categorized, then balance can be achieved. It will be uncomfortable at first - for you and for others - to set up these steps and make things happen but what is the alternative? Are you willing to accept a mediocre existence and be someone who is living a life for others? No, you want to be in control of your own life! I want that for myself, and I hope you would want the same for you. There will be many incidents that will tip the scale of balance in life i.e., death or divorce / financial issues or illness. With that being said, we are always working on trying to create the balance in our lives. It will take constant work and re-evaluation because your life is your own. Your circumstances may be out of your control, so this is a personal journey that requires you to be creative and to find solutions that work for you. It all boils down to prioritizing and the attitude that you have towards the situation. When you simply cannot find the balance within or you're struggling to create that balance in your environment, I suggest doing the following:
Take a walk on the beach
Take a long shower / bath
Try a breathing exercise
Declutter your social media accounts / your phone / your home
Exercise
Read a self-help book
Cook / Bake
Listen to music
Take a long drive
Take a nap
Book a spa day or pamper session at home
6. Healing: This is a BIG ONE!
When you are truly ready to unpack your traumas, you get to tap into your true inner self. You will feel so exposed and at your most vulnerable when you start doing the work to heal. It is uncomfortable and you will be required to take the process very seriously. I could classify the healing process as a journey of unbecoming. You may find that you would have picked up a bad habit or an addition in order to deal or numb the pain that comes with coping with trauma. There will be tears; screaming; shouting; isolation / withdrawal; letting go of some relationships you held dear and lots of self-introspection.
What would healing look like to you and what will it take for you to heal past or present wounds?
It is an ongoing process of identifying your triggers. What are the things that tick you off?! Is it a smell, a location, certain words / phrases, the feeling of neglect/ judgement? My triggers are abusive partners, my feelings not being validated, when people in a group ignore or pick on someone, among others. You have to start learning how to be emotionally intelligent and in tune with what is going on in your surroundings and within yourself. Alot of the time when I am triggered - I start to feel stressed and filled with anxiety. My head and my stomach hurts so much so that those feelings I am experiencing physically manifest into pain in my body. Have you ever felt this way?
So, how does trauma show up in your life? What are the emotions that are dominant in your life? Is it like mine, experiencing upsetting emotions like, anger or is it like not wanting to talk to people around you (shyness / detached).
Healing is letting go. It is a means of moving forward whether you receive closure or not. You simply have to choose to make better choices and decisions in your life. You have to forgive others who have hurt or harmed you and set healthy boundaries for yourself and your life. Healing brings a sense of calm, acceptance and peace within. It is addressing your negative traits and turning them into a positive one. For me, it is becoming a state of mind and has given me more insight on the reality of a situation rather than my own perspective. You have got be in the mindset of self-discovery and transformation if you are seeking to live a fulfilling life. If you need to leave that job that is weighing you down in order to heal - do it. If you need to keep that person that brings out the worst in you at an arm's length - do that. If you need to have that uncomfortable conversation with that specific somebody - do that. If you have been putting off that surgery that is causing you pain - book it [raise the money, take a loan, request a donation, get that medical authorization. Stop putting these hard and difficult matters off. Most of the time we know what we need to do in order to heal but we procrastinate, make excuses and avoid the task at hand. We need to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and staying stuck in a rut due to having a victimized mentality.
This brings me to the end of this blog :) If you've reached this far, thank you for your time and patience. I know this post was very detailed, however, I am passionate about making a change in the lives of others and implementing the tools I have learned in order to live a fulfilling life. If this touches someone at all, please drop a comment. Feel free to share your story if you like.
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